The Perils of a Human Girlfriend
by Marie-Fanwriter
Summary: Just a bit of crack to lighten the mood, individual summaries contained in chapters. Chapter 1 - Tali and Shepard get into an argument, Garrus intervenes. FShepxGarrus. Mild swearing.


Just a bit of crack to lighten your day. Enjoy!

...

With the Collectors finally defeated life had gotten quiet on the Normandy. Instead of daily firefights the crew was subjected to hard labour and counting inventory. It was tense for a completely different reason but everyone was in good spirits. Well at least they were until the Commander asked Tali to help with stores requests...

"What do you mean nearest ten? That's so annoying Shepard!" she all but shouted.

The Commander shrugged, "Well we just need a whole figure and it doesn't need to be super accurate so nearest ten is fine. We're talking about bolts Tali, I know it isn't exactly on the top of the Chief Engineer's priority list but we need to order them."

"But why TEN? I mean really, wouldn't six be easier?"

"Six?"

"Yeah… ten isn't a round figure. Sure it is a whole number but rounding to a full set would make this so much easier." Tali seemed to be getting more and more upset, "We could even do three or twelve, but tens?" she made a noise of disgust.

"Uh… Tali. Maybe you need a break."

She spun around from the console she was working at, her head tilted in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Three, six and twelve aren't round numbers. Ten and twenty are."

The quarian laughed, "Maybe you are the one who needs to rest Shepard. Did you get hit a little too hard by that Reaper? Maybe you should go back to what you're good at and leave the math to the professionals."

"Excuse me! I may be a vanguard but that doesn't make me stupid, I'm an officer Tali. I had to go to school for that and ten is definitely a round number. Maybe the Flotilla needs to cover simple math a little better before they cover mass effect mechanics." She crossed her arms and her mouth quirked in the way it usually did with politicians and people she didn't like.

Tali didn't back down though and the argument only escalated. EDI tried to intervene but was ignored at first then told to stay out of it by the teammates... loudly. When it became obvious that they wouldn't be stopping anytime soon EDI did the only sensible thing, she called Garrus.

...

"Officer Vakarian," she greeted. "You are required on the engineering deck."

Without looking up from his console or pausing he responded, "Can it wait for a bit? I'm in the middle of…"

The AI cut him off, "No. It cannot wait. You are required on the engineering deck."

The urgency in her, its, voice caused him some concern; surely EDI hadn't gained more emotional subroutines since being unshackled. They hadn't even been to port yet. None the less he saved and closed his program, "Alright, what seems to be the problem?" he asked as he headed for the lift.

"The Commander and Ms. Tali Zorah are engaged in an argument. It began five minutes ago and has escalated quickly. I believe your assistance is required to resolve the dispute."

Garrus stepped into the elevator, "Tali and Shepard fighting? That doesn't sound like them." He tapped his foot as the box descended one floor to the engineering level. He stepped out and could already hear them through the two steel doors, quite a feat.

"NO! You bosh'tet."

"Dammit Tali!"

The young Vakarian stepped into the room and both women either hadn't heard him or were ignoring him. Shepard's hands were glowing faintly in blue and Tali's fingers were itching closer to her omnitool with each passing second. He didn't have much time left before one of them did something stupid. "Uh… hi there," he tried. When they didn't acknowledge him he stepped up between them, "What seems to be the problem?"

Shepard was the first to realise someone else was in the room and she flinched. Obviously whatever had happened was big enough to unsettle the Commander. "Garrus, when did you get here?" she asked.

"Oh uhm… hi Garrus," Tali said afterwards. "Something we can do for you?"

The anger had seemed to ebb a little, for which he was immensely thankful. "EDI asked me to come down. Apparently you two were having a disagreement."

The human scoffed, "You could say that."

"Maybe I can help?" he supplied.

"No, you don't need to do that. I'm sure you have better things to do," Tali replied. "Shepard just doesn't understand basic math."

His mandibles fluttered in disbelief, "Here I was thinking all that yelling was about something big, like the engine breaking down or something but you are having an argument about mathematics?"

"That's right, numbers. Maybe you can solve this one for us? How's that Tali? Is the king of calibrations good enough at math for you?"

"Hey!" He yelled in mock indignation, "I seem to remember the Thanix Cannon doing quite well in the battle with the Collector ship."

She ignored his comment and continued, "So great Calibrations Master name a whole number."

"Six."

The differences in response were palatable, from Tali's joyful "AHA!" to Shepard's groan of frustration and the sound of her palm slapping her face.

"That is if you use the turian, or quarian, base-six counting system. Although, if you use the human base-ten counting system the first round number is ten."

Although he couldn't actually see the quarian's face he knew it had dropped under her mask, she made a small _oh_ sound. The Commander on the other hand, though looking a little more triumphant had a questioning look in her eye.

"I worked with all sorts of different species for a lot longer than you two have. Don't forget I was a C-Sec officer before taking on Omega," he winked at Shepard. "Turians are taught both methods in standard schooling as do the salarians and asari."

"Wait, so you know how to count in human?" Shepard asked.

He nodded, "It's weird but yeah, I can. One of my old partners taught me. The asari and humans both use base ten whereas the quarians, turians, and salarians use base six."

"But why ten!" Tali exclaimed.

Garrus held his hands up in front of him, "Shepard do this." She followed his lead. "See ten fingers." He then wiggled his own, "We've got six. At least that's the only reason they gave us in school."

"Oh. Well I guess that makes sense," Tali shrugged.

Shepard suddenly got an idea, "So what does counting to ten sound like in turian then?"

He rolled his eyes in an expression he'd picked up from being with humans too long, "Fine. But I'm only counting to ten once. One, two, three, four, five, six, six-one, six-two, six-three, six-four."

She laughed, "Really? That's what it sounds like to count in turian?"

"Yup. It's like your version but with six being the base number. Our translation programs just pass off our numbers as the same value even though the numbers are completely different."

"Huh," Tali seemed enthralled by the strange concept. "So wait… then how do you say seven through ten in human?"

The rest of the afternoon on the Normandy was spent explaining the strange new concept to the rest of the team. No one seemed to be able to stop laughing when Garrus attempted to say the human words for seven to ten. But at least the mood had improved.

Oh the perils of having a human girlfriend.


End file.
